


Change of Heart

by scifishipper



Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: Anal Play, Angst, Biphobia, Emerging feelings, First Time, M/M, Masturbation, Pining, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-23
Updated: 2014-12-23
Packaged: 2018-03-03 03:23:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2836226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scifishipper/pseuds/scifishipper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Zach returns to LA after six months in New York, Chris realizes his feelings go deeper than friendship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Change of Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [eff_reality](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eff_reality/gifts).



> I hope you enjoy this story. Happy Holidays! <3

Chris was still smiling when he strode through the front door of his Silverlake home, mind whirring with the evening’s conversation and the joy of being with old friends. Zach had finally returned from New York and John had arranged to meet them for dinner and drinks. The evening was fantastically fun and Chris’s cheeks hurt from laughing so much. 

But as great as it had been seeing John, it was Zach who captured his attention and left him feeling giddy and confused. It was a new feeling for Chris, signaled by the unexpected way he found himself looking at Zach too long, the subtle cataloging of things he liked about him, and moments of silence that felt charged like they never had before. 

Zach had been back in L.A. for two weeks, getting settled back at home with the dogs after a six-month show in New York. He’d been exhausted but happy the first time Chris had seen him and they’d spent almost an entire day getting caught up on their lives. 

They’d been seeing each other about every other day and while it was great to slide back into their camaraderie, there was something else now, too. A charged edge he wasn’t sure was coming from Zach, but had been growing in an unsettling way for Chris. For the most part, he ignored it, chalked it up to some loneliness or too much time off. Whatever.

Chris stripped out of his clothes and left them on the floor to step into the shower. The water was hot, pounding on his head and shoulders as he soaped himself. The faintest tendril of arousal pulled at his balls and he slicked up his dick and stroked. He thought of his usual fare, one of the leggy cocktail waitresses with a sharp wit and too-short skirt, but it was thoughts of Zach that flashed in his mind instead. The exasperated expressions, the elbows knocking into his ribs when Chris made a bad pun or joke, the surprise when Chris used a ten-dollar word. The way they’d ended up shoulder-to-shoulder the whole night when there’d been plenty of room on the bench. Remembering the warmth of his shoulder and the smell of his aftershave sent blood rushing into his dick. Unsettled, Chris tried to push the thoughts out of his tired half-drunk brain. Envisioning the brunette waitress was better, feeling the waves of her hair brushing against his thighs while her mouth worked his dick. 

But then it was short dark hair and stubble sliding across his skin instead. The thoughts of Zach sucking him off took over without warning, mouth hotter and wetter that the fantasy waitress. Zach’s sure fingers fondling his balls while he took him down all the way. _Fuck_ , Chris groaned, stroking his dick faster and feeling his orgasm build. In his mind, Zach growled, vibrating his mouth and throat around Chris’s dick. He imagined Zach’s tongue, his dark eyes looking up at him, Zach’s finger sliding toward his asshole. God, it was unbelievably hot.

Fumbling blindly for the soap, Chris slicked his other hand and rubbed at his sensitive hole, mind filled with Zach and the wonders of his hot mouth surrounding him. Chris pushed hard against the sensitive skin, triggering a wave of pleasure and a strangled groan as he came, mind filled with Zach and the image of him swallowing it all down. 

With a reedy breath, Chris let the water run over him, then soaped up one more time before twisting off the water and stepping out. He leaned against the shower wall for a moment, after-images lingering along with a sense of strangeness and a deeper, unsettling worry.

Dragging the towel across his wet skin, he rubbed hard, trying to erase what had just happened, unable to shake a sense of betrayal for thinking of Zach that way. He brushed his teeth fast and spit with force into the sink, more than a little bewildered.

Sliding on a pair of boxer-briefs, he fell into his freshly washed sheets and dug himself under the comforter. He inhaled the clean detergent smell as if it could clean his brain, too. And for as much as he tried to push his thoughts away from Zach, he couldn’t stop feeling the strange ache of missing something he’d never even had. 

~~~

Chris woke up an hour later than usual, rubbing his eyes and pulling on his glasses. He yawned, squinting into the morning sun that streamed into his bedroom, and staggered half-asleep into the bathroom. Partway through his morning piss, he remembered the night before and felt the hot flush of embarrassment. Zach was his friend, not wank bank material, he scolded himself, ignoring the other, more dangerous implications.

Digging into a drawer, he pulled out a white t-shirt and slipped it on. The wood was cool under his bare feet as he padded into the kitchen for breakfast. He made his regular fare: oatmeal, fruit and a pot of coffee, which he shuttled out onto the patio before grabbing the paper from the front lawn. 

Eventually, he settled into his favorite chair and distracted himself with the news of the day and figuring out the crossword. When his phone rang, he grinned at the name on the screen.

“Hey, Zach! What’s up?” Chris greeted, tapping his pen against the newspaper. 

“Ugh. I’ve got workmen here to refurbish the hardwood floors and they said I have to clear out for the next few days. The person I’ve been working with didn’t mention it to me and I am completely unprepared.”

Chris shook his head. “Oh crap. That sucks, man.”

“I could really use a favor, Chris. Would you mind if I crashed at your place for the next few days? I hate to ask, but I really can’t stand the idea of staying in a hotel right now.” 

“I—uh. Yeah. Sure, man. Of course. When do you need to come?” Chris sat up and glanced around, thinking of the messes he needed to clean up. 

“I don’t know. Like half an hour? I’m sorry that it’s so soon, but I am not sure what else to do. I am going to have to bring the dogs. Do you mind?” Zach sounded uncertain.

“No worries, man. You know I love the dogs. I’ve got nothing going on today except the crossword and coffee. Bring your stuff over and we can take the dogs to the park or something.” 

“Oh, man. You are the best. Thank you. I owe you one!” Zach sounded incredibly relieved and Chris grinned.

“No problem, man. I’ll see you soon.” He ended the call and jumped out of his chair to clean up the kitchen.

~~~

Zach arrived nearly an hour later with a suitcase, a messenger bag, and two dogs in tow. “Chris, man. Thank you.” He shoved a white paper bag at him. “This is just for now. I am definitely buying you dinner for the next couple of days.”

“Hey, thanks! You didn’t have to do that.” Chris took the bag and peered inside. “Oh, wow. I love these!” He reached in and pulled out a _pain au chocolat_. “Are these from Vernaud? Man, these are the best!” Chris inhaled the rich chocolate and butter smell and his mouth watered. He took a bite and smiled as he chewed. Below him, the dogs threaded through his legs and Skunk’s wet nose tickled his feet.

Chris knelt down to pet the dogs as he talked to Zach. “You know where the guest room is — go ahead in. I wanna say hi to the boys.” 

“Awww. Who’s the good boy? Oh, that’s right! Come here Skunky.” Both dogs licked at Chris’s face and he laughed, scratching them both behind the ears. “You guys are going to stay with me. Isn’t that awesome?” He stood and washed his hands before leading the dogs down the hall to find Zach.

When he got to the door, his friend was pulling his things out of his suitcase and shoving them in drawers. “I hope you don’t mind. I hate living out of a suitcase.” 

“Mi casa es tu casa,” Chris said, making a welcoming gesture with his arm. “Do whatever you want. You need anything?” 

“No, I’m good.” Zach paused, holding a striped shirt and looking at Chris. “I really appreciate this. I know it’s short notice.” 

“Hey, no need thank me. What’re friends for?” Chris smiled and felt himself blush, remembering how exactly _not_ -just-friendly his thoughts had been last night. 

“Why are you having the floors done, anyway?” he asked, keeping it casual.

“I am not sure they’ve ever been refurbished. As far as I know, they are original to the house and could really use some TLC. I thought the workers would do them when I was in New York, but the start date kept getting pushed back because of some other, bigger celebrity’s job.” Zach rolled his eyes and closed the dresser drawer. 

Chris chuckled. “L.A., man. We’re still low on the totem pole.” 

“I guess. There’s a six month waiting list for these guys, so at least it’s being done now.” Zach zipped up his empty suitcase, rolled it into the closet, and closed the door. He looked around and smiled at Chris. “I guess that’s it. I brought over a few scripts to read and I have some emails to answer. Do you mind? Are you doing anything today?”

“Same, although I haven’t even checked my email yet. I have a script that I’m partway through.”

“What’s that one?” Zach asked and moved with Chris back into the kitchen.

“Another action flick. I don’t know. I am thinking I want to do something different.” Chris shrugged and went to the counter. “You want some coffee? Still hot.” Chris refilled his cup from earlier, and when Zach agreed, pulled another one from the shelf.

Chris poured coffee and automatically went the refrigerator to pull out the soy milk and added some to Zach’s coffee. 

“How’d you remember that?” Zach asked, surprised.

Chris stopped with the carton hovering over the cup. “What do you mean?”

“How I take my coffee…” Zach gave him the weirdest look.

Chris shrugged and finished. “It’s not a big deal, man. I memorize a hundred lines of dialogue, I think I can remember how you take your coffee.”

Zach raised an eyebrow and sat down at the kitchen island. 

Chris slid the coffee to him and opened the pastry bag again. “Here have one.” He pushed the non-bitten _pain au chocolat_ towards Zach and pulled out the one he’d already started. “They are so delicious.”

“Nah. Those are for you. I’m watching my girlish figure anyway,” Zach said and affected a glamourous pose. 

Chris laughed. “No, man, you look great. What did you do in New York? Gym?”

“Yeah. I tried running, but even early in the morning, it’s a pain in the ass. I can’t tell you the number of times I was nearly killed by some dude with a pushcart making deliveries. There’s a gym every two blocks, so it ended up being a lot easier to join and get a routine set up.”

“Did you have any issues?” Chris asked, referring to the inevitable fans and paps that they encountered on a regular basis.

“Nah. It’s New York, man. They don’t care. As long as I don’t block their way or take too long, they couldn’t care less.” Zach shrugged and drank more coffee. “It’s nice, really, being anonymous — well, mostly anonymous. I was surprised, actually, that I wasn’t greeted at the airport by paps when I came back to L.A.”

“Yeah, but next day they had pics of you back in L.A. with the dogs. Doesn’t take them long.” The chocolate from the pastry was stuck to Chris’s fingers and he licked it off one finger at a time. “You wanna go for a run later? I probably should. Been a lazy ass for the past two days. Gotta work off all that beer from last night.” Chris patted his stomach and grabbed a napkin to wipe his face. 

“That was a lot of fun. I missed John. He is so damn funny. I miss Zoe, too. Have you heard from her lately?” Zach asked.

“No, not much. I wasn’t as close to her as you were. She hated me, remember?” Chris joked, mentioning the joke between them about Kirk and Uhura. In truth, they got along great and he’d do anything or her.

While Chris finished the rest of his pastry and coffee, Zach pulled out his phone and grabbed his cup. “I’m going to get to work. Want to run when it cools down? Maybe before dinner?”

“Sure thing. I’m going to throw some clothes in the wash.” Chris swept up the crumbs and shook them into the sink before heading into his bedroom to empty his hamper. 

~~~

By seven o’clock, Chris was starving. Their run had been a short one, and once he’d showered, his stomach was growling ferociously. 

“Have you tried this place yet?” Chris asked, pulling open the door to a new Thai restaurant not far from his house.

“Nah. But I’ve heard good things.” Zach had a knack for finding the best places.

They stepped together into the vestibule and the hostess seated them without fanfare. The restaurant was small, with only a dozen or so other patrons and soft lighting and music which was nothing like Chris expected. He glanced around to see if they’d been noticed, but everyone appeared to be absorbed in their own company. 

“Menu looks good,” Chris said, eying a few interesting dishes.

“I heard that the panang curry is good and the Thai salad.” Zach dropped his menu back onto the table and picked up his water glass. 

“Hey, what do you think this will be like?” Chris asks, tapping on the drink menu tucked in a plastic tent on their table. “Thai basil, lemongrass, ginger liqueur, grapefruit juice, lemon, sugar. Sounds good. You getting anything?”

“I don’t know. I hit the beer pretty hard last night. I always drink too much in L.A. I have no idea why.” He gave Chris a pointed stare.

“What? Who me?” Chris asked, feigning innocence. “Maybe you don’t go out enough in New York.”

“No, I went out plenty,” Zach said, “It’s not like the boys just come knocking at my door.” He rolled his eyes and before Chris could comment, the waitress approached.

Chris watched Zach order, thinking about the comment and not liking the nervous rumbling in his stomach. Since when did he care who Zach fucked? 

“Yeah, I’ll have the fresh rolls with tofu, uh, an order of the green mango salad, and the red curry with chicken, and, uh, how about one of the Thai Basil Martinis…” He pointed to the drink menu and the waitress smiled and wrote it all down. 

When he was finished ordering, Zach was staring at him with his eyebrow raised. “Your appetite never fails to surprise me.”

“I’m starving, man. That run did me in. I shouldn’t have drunk so much last night.”

“So, did you make any decisions about the action flick? Who’s doing it?” Zach asked.

“I guess I’ll give it a shot. I think the money will be good and I don’t have anything else that’s enticing me.” Chris shrugged. “To be honest, I am really not sure what I want to do. Unlike you. Man, you’re booked.”

Zach seemed skeptical. “For now. You never know, though. Project could fall through. I am not a fan of the down time, makes me worry that I’m not going to get more work. I have projects lined up for months, but still… everything can change on a dime, right?” 

Chris nodded as the waitress brought Chris’s drink. “You’re a great actor, Zach. That’s not going to happen.”

“Yeah, but you know it’s more than that. Anything could happen between projects. I’ve got press for Margin Call in September. I really want to do another play, if I can get a break from Heroes. I don’t know. I know I shouldn’t worry about it, but it’s better to keep things in the pipeline.” Zach shrugged, but Chris knew it stressed him out.

“Gotta take it as it comes, ya know? So you’ve got a month or two before you get on the press tour, you’re fixing up your house. What about taking a vacation? Or a weekender. You ever been up to Big Sur? We should totally go. It’s really great. It’ll get your mind off of the business for a while. Give you perspective.”

A smile spread across Zach’s face. “No, you’re right. I just gotta keep moving, keep things rolling while I can. But yeah, I’d like that. I’m just whining right now. You know, I think I’m turning into you — grumpy without food!” He chuckled and flicked his head back. Chris’s gaze lingered on a lock of hair that fell onto his forehead. Christ, he was gorgeous.

Chris was grateful when the waitress returned with his fresh rolls and Zach’s soup. As they ate, Chris tried to figure out what was going on with this unexpected attraction to Zach. It’s not like they hadn’t spent a ton of time together on the Trek tour. They’d gotten along great and had lots of laughs, but he’d been with Olivia at the time, and Zach had been grumbling about Johnny-someone that Chris couldn’t remember. They’d been friends and that had been just fine.

“Hey, Earth to Chris?” Zachs’s voice intruded on his thoughts.

“Oh, yeah, sorry, man. Food’s great.” Chris covered and shoved more roll into his mouth. 

“I asked you what you’re doing for the Fourth. Seeing family?”

Chris swallowed and took a sip of his drink. “No idea. Not a holiday I think too much about. I’m guessing something will come up. Someone will have a barbecue or something. How about you?”

“Not sure. Might go back to Pittsburgh to see the family.” 

“Oh, right. How is your mom? Sorry I didn’t ask.” 

“She’s great. I’ve been working on her to move to a bigger house but she just scolds me and tells me how much she loves her house. Aaaand then gave me the number for her friend the financial adviser.” Zach chuckled and made a face.

“Sounds like her. I love your mom; she’s great.”

“She likes you. Asked how you were.” Zach finished his soup and pushed the bowl away.

“Really? That’s sweet. Tell her I said hello and that I’m doing awesome. When’s she coming to California anyway?”

“Ha. Right. I’ve tried to convince her, but no go. She said she’d miss the snow.”

Chris laughed. “You northeasterners and your snow. It’s great for skiing, but, man, I love California.” Chris popped the last of the roll into his mouth.

By the time their entrees came, Chris had finished his drink and had ordered another. Zach was telling funny stories about New York and they both grumbled about the paparazzi. Chris accepted a gentle scolding from Zach about his press-related tantrums and Chris had the good sense to be chagrined. He didn’t know how Zach was always so cool and composed all the time. He felt like a nutjob flipping off photogs and getting so pissed. He just…hadn’t known it would bother him so much.

By the end of his second drink, Chris had Zach laughing about his dad and a recent trip they’d taken to the Great Lakes. Chris felt genuinely calm and happy and he tried to focus on that, ignoring the buzz of excitement under his skin.

With their meal finished, Chris downed the rest of his drink and stretched, eager to leave. “Come on, let’s get out of here. I could go for some Netflix and some cuddle time with Skunk.” 

Chris waited for Zach to sign his credit card receipt and stood. Zach touched his back as they maneuvered through the door and Chris reveled in the warmth. His mind was whirring as they strolled out of the restaurant into the dimming light of evening.

~~~

Zach took the dogs out while Chris fired up the big screen and scanned through his Netflix queue. He and Zach argued briefly about what to watch then finally settled on _Back to the Future_ because it was the only one neither of them vetoed. Chris grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator for Zach and plopped down onto the soft cushions. 

They sat on opposite ends of the sofa, their feet near each other on the over-sized ottoman. By mid-film, Chris had slumped halfway down in the corner, and nudged his bare foot close enough to Zach’s that it almost touched his ankle. Chris still had the butterfly feeling in his gut, a little bit of arousal, a little bit of risk, and a whole lot of him thinking he was losing his mind.

Zach was sprawled out on his end of the sofa, arms spread wide, head tucked into the corner. It looked like he was half asleep and Chris shifted position, nudging him with his foot and letting it rest on Zach’s warm leg. The other man didn’t stir and Chris let out a breath. He ignored the part of his brain that told him he was being an idiot and reveled in the feel of hot skin and what Zach could do to him. 

When Zach shifted slightly and moved his leg away, Chris felt a spike of anxiety, along with a real and sudden realization that he was crossing a line that was blurry from too much vodka.

Fuck.

Chris drew back his foot, sat up straighter in his corner. Fucking hell. A minute later, he stood up, half-freaked out but mostly needing to pee. 

“Hey, you want me to pause it?” Zach called out.

“Nah, I’ve seen it.” Chris tripped over his shoes in the hallway and grabbed onto the wall. He slid into his bathroom and closed the door, holding onto the sink while the world seemed to sway. He’d done some stupid things in his life, but was he on the verge of fucking things up with Zach because he hadn’t been laid in a while? Or was this more? What the fuck was going on?

Chris pissed and washed his hands and felt like going back out there was going to end in disaster. Desire was thrumming inside him now and his self-control felt thin. He was going to fuck things up and he needed to fix it. Right here right now. 

Chris tugged his pants back down and let them pile on the floor around his feet. He grabbed lube from the vanity and squeezed some out onto his fingers. Reaching out, flicked off the light, too. He didn’t want to see himself, just, well, rub one out and stop this idiocy.

The lube was cool on his dick as he stroked slowly, sliding his thumb across the slit. He bit his lip to prevent himself from groaning as images of Zach flooded into his thoughts. This time he let them come, imagining all kinds of scenarios about how tonight could have gone, the surprise and eventual agreement between them, how he’d find out that Zach was into him, too, and not freaked out the way Chris was. God, he was fucking getting off on Zach kissing him with that fucking mouth, running his tongue along his neck, biting. Chris twisted as he pumped, imagining how it might feel different with Zach, the stubble and the hard muscles, how he’d know what to do and wouldn’t hesitate the way Chris might. 

It was imagining Zach’s voice, though, that got him off the most. Thinking about Zach revealing long-held feelings, an attraction from the beginning that he’d squelched. Fuuuuuuck. He was so close and he scooped a dollop of lube onto his other fingers, pressing one against his hole as he forced himself to slow down. 

He imagined Zach behind him, rubbing his dick against his ass, biting his shoulder. Jesus fuck. Chris suppressed a groan as his middle finger slid into his ass, he pumped slowly, reveling in the feel of it, imagining it was Zach. He envisioned Zach’s impatience, growing desire until he gripped Chris hard and slammed inside him. That was the image that sent Chris over the edge, Zach filling him up, shouting out his name when he came. Chris gasped, sucking in air and holding his breath as the orgasm slammed through him, leaving him choking with pleasure. He doubled over, head resting against the wall as he stroked a few times more, wringing the last bits of pleasure out of his fantasy. 

“Jesus,” he whispered to himself, stunned. He heaved a breath and fumbled to find faucet to wash his hands. Once he did, he flicked on the light again, surprised to see his pupils blown wide, face mottled and red. He looked away, and cleaned himself up, wiping come off the wall and sink. 

Fuck, what was his problem?

Chris splashed water onto his face and tried to figure out what the hell he was going to do. What he should do is just go to sleep, forget this whole ridiculous crush and try to be a normal friend. Goddamnit. 

He drank a glass of water and looked at himself in the mirror again. Roughly presentable, or at least for as long as it took to say goodnight to Zach.

On watery legs, he emerged from the bathroom, and walked back towards the living room. The movie was paused and Zach was gone, probably taking out the dogs one last time before bed. 

Chris stopped the movie and killed the television. It was nearly 10:30 and he was more than ready to go to sleep. He checked all the doors and puttered around until Zach came back, breathless and untangling himself from their leashes. “Damn Skunk nearly tripped me,” Zach said, hanging the leashes inside the entryway closet. 

“Aw. Come here, baby,” Chris said, kneeling down to call Skunk over to him. He loved the little dog and grinned as he wagged his tail and licked at Chris’s wrist. 

Chris patted Skunk on the head and stood up too fast. Whoa! He reached out to steady himself on the center island, but missed and felt himself tipping over. 

“Jesus, Chris. How much did you drink?” Zach was suddenly at his side, grabbing him before he hit the ground. 

“Shit,” Chris said and managed to get his ass onto the kitchen stool. “Not that much. I think I stood up too fast.”

“You okay?” Zach was right there, a concerned look on his face and Chris’s heart was pounding. His gaze lingered on Zach’s lips and none of how he was supposed to get over it by whacking off seemed to matter. He could smell the night air on Zach’s skin.

“Zach?” he murmured, unable to keep his mouth still.

“Yeah? What is it?” Zach tilted his head, giving him an odd face.

“I really want to kiss you,” Chris blurted out the words and watched as Zach’s entire face froze comically.

“Oh my god, Chris!” Zach stepped back, hand splayed over his chest, eyes wide. “You really need to go to bed.” Zach took another step back, shook his head, and slid past him to go down the hall. A moment later, he heard him call the dogs and then his bedroom door clicking closed.

Chris groaned and let his head thunk down on the center island. Now what was he going to do?

~~~

By the time Chris woke up in the morning, Zach was gone. The dogs greeted Chris with their usual excitement while Chris checked his phone. A text from Zach said that he’d gone out for a couple of hours and that the dogs wouldn’t need to go out until after lunch. 

Chris thought of texting him back, apologizing for being a douche the night before, but it was just too fucking awkward. So, he just ignored it and left his phone on the counter while he made coffee and breakfast. He smiled when he saw the pastry bag, and even though the croissant part was a little stiff, the chocolate was just as delicious. He scarfed it down all at once, and chased it with a giant glass of milk while he waited for his coffee to finish.

He hadn’t drunk so much that he didn’t exactly know what happened last night. And now he wasn’t sure how he was going to look Zach in the face. If it had all been a mistake, Chris could have blamed it on the alcohol, but deep inside he knew it wasn’t a fluke. He knew what it was like to crush on someone hard, and goddamn, that was exactly what this was. But right now, with Zach? It was freaking him the hell out.

It’s not like he hadn’t found men attractive. He had. He’d jacked off to gay porn and knew exactly where his prostate was, but to want something else…like a relationship with a dude? Damn he had not seen that coming at all. 

Chris remained deep in thought until the coffee pot started to stutter. He pulled down a cup and waited until the gasping was done to pour himself a cup. He added a little sugar, half and half, and stirred, absently spinning the liquid for much longer than was necessary while he tried to think of some way that wasn’t completely weird to figure this all out.

By the time Chris had breakfast prepared, the sun was already quite warm overhead. As he settled in with oatmeal and a banana, he felt the shift of a realization hitting him: what he felt for Zach wasn’t just about sex or being lonely, like he thought it might be. He really liked him. Like, the way he’d felt about women in the past, that deep, unexpected feeling of connection that always took him by surprise. This though, with Zach, one of his best friends, had never happened to him before. How do you deal with falling for a friend? How was Zach going to react? What if everything was fucked?

With anxiety souring his stomach, Chris pushed away the rest of his coffee and reclined back in the deck chair and threw an arm over his eyes. 

He had no fucking clue. 

~~~

Chris had been dozing on the patio when Zach returned and he heard his voice muffled through the patio doors. When he glanced over, he saw Zach going back towards the guest room, and so Chris rose, gathered his dishes and went into the kitchen.

With Zach now sounding like he was on the phone, Chris hopped into the shower and made his bed. He played scenarios over and over in his mind, what he would say, how he would be cool no matter what. 

When he emerged twenty minutes later, Zach was in the kitchen, leaning against the sink with his phone in hand.

“Hey,” Chris said, approaching the island and thumbing through the stack of mail that had appeared while he was showering.

“Hey.” Zach barely glanced up at him and Chris felt a little dismissed.

“You going to be around today?” Chris asked, ripping open an envelope and pulling out the electric bill. 

“Not sure. Trying to confirm some lunch plans.” Zach huffed a little and tucked his phone under his arm to stare at Chris. His dark gaze seemed especially intense and Chris felt blood rushing to his face.

“Oh, okay,” he answered, sounding disappointed when he meant to be casual. Great. This was going just swell.

“Why? You need me?” Zach’s voice had a hard edge to it and the tiny bit of courage Chris had managed to muster was starting to fade.

He tried to smile, but he was sure it looked forced. “No, man. Just askin’.” Chris scooped up his mail and spun on his heel. Zach in a bad mood was not a good sign and it was _definitely_ not the time to talk about what happened. Fuck.

Chris padded down the hall to his office and threw the mail into his inbox. He slid around the desk and opened his laptop to answer some emails to distract himself. His stomach twisted a bit, a combination of hunger and nerves, but figured he’d just wait for Zach to leave before he tried to eat again. 

On sheer willpower, Chris sorted through his incoming emails first, deleting and forwarding what he needed to forward to his manager and his agent. He cut through the spam and answered an email from his sister and read a longer one from his mother about his parents’ trip to Alaska in a few weeks. He even managed to smile at the image of his dad in a puffy orange life vest, leaning too far over the edge of the ship’s railing while his mother looked nervous. 

“Chris?” Zach interrupted and Chris nearly jumped.

“Hey,” he answered, keeping himself still and casual. He glanced over. “What’s up?”

“We need to talk.” His tone was flat, brows drawn down.

“Um, okay. You wanna sit?” Chris pushed back from the desk, heart suddenly racing.

“No man, it feels like the principal’s office. Let’s go back into the kitchen or something.” Zach leaned off the door frame and Chris followed, feeling like a scolded puppy. 

This time, Zach was at one of the stools at the center island while Chris leaned up against the sink, arms crossed over his chest. He knew he must look insecure or weird or whatever, but really he kinda was so, yeah, whatever.

“So, listen. You are my friend. My very good close friend and I need to know if you remember what you said to me last night?” Zach’s voice sounded strained but he fixed Chris with a steady gaze.

Chris licked his lips, feeling his neck and face growing hot. “Uh, yeah. I remember.” He dropped Zach’s eyes and focused on the edge of the island. 

“Well, that’s a shitty thing to say, Chris.”

Chris’s head snapped up. “What? Why’s it shitty?”

“I’m gay, Chris. You’re straight. I don’t play that way.” Zach’s voice was harder still. 

“I know you’re gay, Zach. I wouldn’t say that to a straight guy.” Chris felt confused and not even sure what to say.

“What are you talking about? You’re straight!” Zach’s voice arced up sharply.

Chris fumbled, “Well, I don’t— I mean, it’s not — Fuck. I just like you okay? I’m not gay, but I don’t think I’m straight either. And I thought labels weren’t supposed to matter!” 

“Jesus Christ, Chris. This isn’t a philosophy debate. It matters, okay. I’ve known you for a couple of years and I have never heard you once talk about banging a dude. Or even checking one out.”

Chris felt his stomach pinch and he rubbed his hands on his jeans. “Damn, Zach. Why don’t you be more of a dick about this?” Chris felt a weird sense of betrayal, like he never expected Zach to call him out like this. Make him feel like he was fucked up or something. He swallowed hard and tried to figure out what to say, how to explain when he didn’t really get it himself.

“Fuck, Chris.” Zach raked a hand across his face.

With a deep inhale, Chris needed this to end. “Look, forget what I said. Just forget it, okay. It’s cool. I shouldn’t have just blurted that out. I had too much to drink. I’m fine. We’re friends and that’s okay.” Chris waved his hands in front of him. “I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. I’ll catch up with you later.” Chris was halfway across the kitchen before Zach reached out a hand to grab his arm.

“Wait, Chris. Just wait, would you?” 

Chris shook off Zach’s arm without looking at him and kept walking. He just didn’t want to be there anymore.

~~~

Chris sat on the edge of his bed and stared at the closed door. In all of the ways he imagined the conversation going, he hadn’t quite imagined this scenario. He thought for some reason that Zach would understand. Hadn’t he wondered about how he felt? Hadn’t it ever been weird for him? He never expected Zach to get angry. Or make him feel like shit. What the fuck was that? How did this whole thing even work? 

Fuck. He should have just ignored how he felt and sooner or later, Zach would have gone back to New York for some play and then it would be too late. Chris would meet a girl and do that whole thing. Which was fine! At least he wouldn’t feel like a moron for letting himself have feelings for a friend. Even with girls that was a bad idea. In that, he should have known better. 

Letting himself fall back on the bed, he stared at the ceiling, wondering where to go from here. He knew he probably shouldn’t have walked away, but damn. What a jerk.

“Chris?” he heard Zach on the other side of the door then a soft knocking.

Taking a deep breath, he rubbed his face, blew out air and stood. He opened the door and saw Zach looking a little bit like he felt.

“I’m sorry, man. I handled that like shit,” Zach blurted.

Chris licked his lips and held onto the door. He didn’t know what to say.

“I just thought you’d say you didn’t remember. That you were drunk and horny. I was totally not prepared for you to say you remembered. Like it was true.” Zach tapped his fists together in front of him.

“It was true. I mean, is true. But I should have just kept my mouth shut. We don’t have to talk about this. It’s not a big deal. I am not looking to wreck our friendship.” Chris felt like shit for letting it all go. Did it matter so little? He wasn’t even going to try?

“Chris, come on. Don’t shut down on me here. I just want to talk about this. Stop saying it doesn’t matter.” He sounded exasperated.

“What do you want me to say? If I say I have feelings for you then there’s something wrong with me. If I say forget it, then I’m not cooperating. Jesus, you’re impossible!” Chris brushed past Zach and strode into the hallway, his palms sweating and throat tight.

“Chris, come on. Give me a minute to adapt here. We’ve been friends, good friends for a long time, and I never thought you were attracted to me. You knew I was gay, you talked about your girlfriends. How am I supposed to react? It’s crazy.” Zach shook his head.

“See, there you go. It’s not crazy, it’s just, I don’t know. It’s surprising. I didn’t go looking for it — the feelings, I don’t know, they just started when you came back. I mean, I’d missed you, hanging out, talking. Beating you at Scrabble.” Chris couldn’t help grin a little when Zach rolled his eyes. “I thought it was just cause you’d left and I had a little bit of a hole in my life here in L.A. But when you got back, I don’t know. It just felt different. I felt really happy when we were together and then, it just happened.”

“What happened?” 

“I wanted more, okay? Look if you don’t feel the same way, that’s fine. I get it. It was a risk to even tell you, but I’m not a weirdo, Zach. People have crushes, okay. I didn’t plan it but I don’t want to screw us up.” Chris felt his heart sinking even as he said the words because that is exactly how it felt like this was going. He’d never done this before and it really fucking sucked.

Zach was silent for a long moment before he stepped closer to Chris, his voice lower and calmer. “It’s not a matter of attraction, Chris. It’s bad news to be a guy’s first. I mean, unless that’s the point, but it usually ends up with someone really hurt, okay? And that someone would probably be me. You like me one day and then when there’s a dick in front of you, it’s panic city. I’m not down for that.” Zach shoved his hands deep into his shorts pockets and stared at the middle of Chris’s chest.

“Like it’s not hurting right now, Zach? This sucks.” Chris rubbed his eye with his thumb. “I don’t want to jerk you around. Maybe I should have waited, dropped hints or something, but I’m not the best at this kind of stuff. You’ve told me that a million times, right. I just clam up and let opportunities walk by. I didn’t want to do that with you. You’re important to me. Either as a friend or something more. But I can’t predict the future. I have no idea how to suck dick, but I’m willing to try.” 

The word _try_ hung in the air between them and, suddenly, Zach’s point was made clear. Trying wasn’t really enough was it?

Chris’s shoulders slumped. “Aw, fuck. You know what, forget this. You’re right. If this goes south, it would be a disaster. What if I’m wrong? What if you get hurt? I—I don’t want that, Zach. I really don’t.” Chris kicked his heel back against the cabinet a few times, worried in a way that he hadn’t been before. He never even thought about how it could hurt Zach. What a stupid ass.

There was silence between them for a long time until Chris looked up. Zach had the saddest expression and Chris felt like there was no hope at all. “I’m sorry, Zach. I should have talked this through with Katie or something. She’d have told me how to handle it. I’m sorry if I freaked you out.” 

“It’s okay. I just don’t know what to say now.” Zach backed up a few steps, his face seeming really pale. “Maybe we should just think about things. Or maybe I should think about things. It’s freaking me out a little right now. It — I don’t really have an answer.” 

Chris nodded, although he didn’t know why. “Yeah, I get it. Look if you’re not comfortable with me here, I can go crash with my parents. I don’t have anything going on. I don’t mind.”

“What are you talking about? You’re not leaving your own house, Chris.” Zach gave him his usual exasperated expression.

“I can do what I want, Zach.” He said in a singsong voice to mock him. “And anyway, I made you uncomfortable and you’ve got nowhere else to go.”

“Chris. This isn’t just on you. Can we just leave things like they are for now? Talk about it later?” Zach still looked sad, but a little less pale than he had been.

“If you want, Zach. I’m sorry if I freaked you out. I guess I thought it would go better.” Chris shrugged and looked over Zach’s shoulder to nothing in particular. 

“Yeah…” Zach took a step away. “I’m going to go answer some emails, call my agent. I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Sure. Yeah. Thanks, man.” Chris was on autopilot now, barely aware of what he was saying, just feeling grateful that he didn’t have to stand there with Zach staring at him.

Chris rubbed his face. Of course, Zach was right. What if he just had a crush? What if it didn’t really mean anything? He’d never done anything with a dude and now he was proposing something with Zach. What was he fucking thinking?

~~~

The afternoon wore on for fucking ever. After three hours, Zach still hadn’t emerged from his room and Chris felt entirely sick now. How had he managed to fuck this up so quickly?

Chris had finished all of his laundry, answered all of his emails, and had a pile of books next to him that he couldn’t focus on. Instead, he kept thinking about how sad Zach had looked, how freaked out, and just wished it had gone another way. You don’t crush on friends. That was the rule.

Around dinner time, Chris changed and threw on clean jeans and a gray t-shirt. He needed to get out of the house before the walls caved in on him. He hadn’t eaten all day and he felt stretched thin with worry and anxiety.

He grabbed his keys off the hook by the garage entry and tucked his phone and wallet into his pocket. 

“Chris?” Zach said as Chris was about to leave.

He froze with his hand on the doorknob, then turned, giving an awkward smile. “Hey.” He glanced at Zach, who looked calmer, and then away again to stare at the tiled floor between them. 

“Sorry I freaked out back there,” Zach said and Chris blinked at him.

“No, man. You didn’t do anything. I should’ve been more careful. You know…” Chris shrugged and jammed his fists into his jeans pockets.

“You were fine, Chris. I was a dick. I can own that.” Zach rubbed his brow. “I just — it was unexpected.”

Chris huffed a laugh. “Tell me about it.” He smiled and Zach did, too.

“Can I ask you for how long? Like was it back when we were doing Trek?”

Chris shook his head. “No, not then. I mean, I thought you were awesome and I loved working with you. I was too busy freaking out about the role and trying to not to fuck up.” 

“Okay.”

“Why? Is that bad?” Chris wasn’t sure what Zach was going for.

“Well, you are mostly straight, right? Haven’t dated a guy?” Zach rocked back on his heels.

“No, but, what does that have to do with Trek?”

“I don’t know. Just seems like if you were really into me, you’d have felt the same way back then. Why now? What’s going on?” Zach was staring at him.

Chris squirmed under Zach’s gaze. “I don’t know. It’s just different since you got back. You look amazing, you’re so fucking funny, and smart. I don’t know, Zach. Why do I have to explain it?” Chris tugged a hand through his hair, feeling very much put on the spot.

“Because maybe it’s a phase, you know?” Zach said it like an accusation

Chris clenched his jaw and took a breath. “You know what Zach? I thought maybe this would work out somehow. I spent the last five hours figuring out how to stuff my feelings down, but I have to say the way you’re questioning me feels like shit. I don’t have to justify anything to you, you know? Fuck it. If I had any clue you’d be a dick about it, I’d have run the other way. What is your problem, man? Is this about our friendship or about me not being gay enough for you?” 

“You’re not gay, Chris!” Zach waved his arms in agitation.

“You know what, this is fucking stupid. I have to go.” Chris thrust the door open and tried to slam it but Zach got in the way.

“Will you stop fucking running?!” Zach said, grabbing Chris by the shoulder. “I am fucking freaking out here, Chris. Will you just hear me out?”

Chris stopped, struck by the pain in Zach’s voice and turned. Zach let his hand fall off Chris’s shoulder.

Zach took a deep breath. “I’ve been down this road, Chris. Like down it and then crashed and burned in a pile at the bottom of a ravine. It sucked, man. And you…we’re friends. I mean the kind of friends where I can call you and then barge in on your life for three days without notice. That’s important to me.”

“And did you ever wonder why we’re so good together? Because I have, okay? It’s unreal, Zach. You finish my fucking sentences, we wear the same goddamn colors on random days. I’ve been wrestling with it, trying to make it just about being buds, but it’s not. Maybe it never has been, but I didn’t realize it. Wasn’t brave enough, I don’t fucking know. I just…I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it if it wasn’t, well, a big deal.” Chris didn’t know what else to say. His thoughts were getting mixed up, but what he felt was undeniable now. The pain of thinking Zach didn’t return his feelings, doubted him, fuck. It hurt way more than he expected.

“Yes, I’ve wondered, you asshole. I’ve wondered since a long fucking time ago. Because I did have feelings for you. But you are my straight friend. They’re in the vault, Chris. I can’t just take you out on a whim to play.” Zach’s voice was rough and emotional.

“Fuck, Zach. It’s not like that. I don’t want to ‘play’ okay. You think I’d risk our friendship for lust or bullshit? I wouldn’t. I may have never been with a guy, but that doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to them. I am, I just…I never thought. I fucking wasn’t ready. I’ve had a string of romances because I can’t stand being alone. Well, this time it all just came together. I haven’t been with anyone for a while and it cleared my head, I guess. And then you showed up, storming back into my life with your stupid gorgeous face. Fuck.” Chris felt his entire face aflame with embarrassment. 

“Jesus, Chris!” Zach exclaimed, and rushed at him, grabbing him by the neck and smashing their mouths together. 

Chris jerked with surprise, but Zach held firm, kissing him hard until Chris softened and kissed him back. His mouth was soft and rough, stubble scraping across his chin. Chris opened his mouth, inviting Zach’s tongue and felt fire shooting through him, the sudden, burning rightness of kissing Zach. Chris gripped Zach’s sides, fingers curling into the fabric of his tank top. 

Zach was an amazing kisser and Chris’s senses were flooded with the smell of him, the hardness of his chest pressing against his as Zach pressed him back against the open door. 

“Fuck, Zach,” he murmured as Zach kissed along Chris’s jaw and scraped his teeth along his ear. 

“You okay?” Zach asked, lessening his grip on Chris’s neck to lean away slightly. 

“Yeah. Fuck.” Chris grabbed Zach’s head and pulled his mouth back to kiss him more. He explored with his mouth and hands, fingers trailing over his stubbled jaw, broad shoulders, muscular arms. It all felt different, exciting, and so fucking right. The thoughts and fantasies were nothing compared to what it felt like to have him right there, kissing him, touching him, confirming how exactly amazing he thought it might be.

When Zach pulled away, Chris was breathless and probably wide-eyed. Worried that this was all going to come crashing to a halt. 

“Zach?”

Zach opened his mouth like he might speak, but instead, took a heaving breath and yanked Chris towards him. He clung to him, squeezing until Chris could hardly breathe. “Don’t fuck this up, okay?” he whispered against Chris’s neck.

Chris wrapped his arms around Zach’s waist, squeezed, and pushed him away. He moved his hands onto Zach’s biceps and gripped him firmly. When he looked into his eyes, he saw unexpected emotion and not a small amount of fear. For once, Chris seemed to be handling something better than Zach. 

“Listen. Nothing’s set okay? Don’t freak out. _I’m_ the one who freaks out, not you. We’ll go slow. I — I really don’t want to fuck things up, but I want to do this. But if you’re not sure, that’s cool, just, I don’t know, tell me so I don’t keep falling for you.” Saying the words made his throat tight.

Zach was shaking his head. “No, it’s good. No, me, too. I fuck —” Zach took another breath and gave Chris a quick kiss. “I’m overwhelmed and not quite sure what happens next.” Zach stepped back and tucked his hands around his own chest, the way he did when he wasn’t quite sure about something. 

“Well, how about we stop standing in the garage and go back inside.” Chris took the one small step up and back into the side hall. He extended his hand to Zach and smiled.

“Okay. I can do that,” Zach said and grabbed Chris’s hand.

It was a start.


End file.
